I’ve been having the same conversation for a week.
The topic doesn’t matter. The other person involved doesn’t matter. None of it matters as I write this, because the distinguishing features of this kind of conversation have nothing to do with the actual words.
It’s the one you replay in your head, over and over again, long after the actual dialogue is over.
It’s the one whose sentences you rephrase, over and over again, trying to imagine what you could have said that might have let you be heard.
It’s the one you try to put out of your mind because thinking about it makes your stomach clench and your teeth grind and your chest hurt.
It’s the one that only seeps (mostly) out of your skin with time, fading into mist around you until the next time it coalesces and burns once again.
It’s the one that will never, never, never, never, never,
be resolved by any effort you can make.
It’s the black hole. It’s the dry well. It’s absolute zero.
Intellectually, I know this. Even my training as a counselor can’t help me communicate over a large enough gulf between realities. My trouble is that when I get emotional, I forget the truth and get drawn in to the idea that it could be different.
I obsess. I rephrase. I fear. I fall into the psyche of that scared child who thinks it’s possible to change what’s going on around her if she is good enough. My reaction is fueled by my general bipolar symptoms, my usual level of insomnia gets augmented, and I exist in a state of limbic overdrive until I can survive long enough for time to settle things down.
Then, when I can, I do something like writing this. I remind myself that I am not alone. My reality is not dissolving; I still have my voice and my beliefs. The conversation will not claim my life today.